THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars