I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.