My Guy
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.