[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Do not steal food from the science building!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort