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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.