Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
me doing my best
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.