Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
ACED my prostate exam!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.