Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.