My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’