HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.