Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Good morning y’all ☀️
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.