*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.