Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream