you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.