Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what