People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
You Might Also Like
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.