When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
#milo
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*