“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
asking santa clause for nudes
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.