Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
This is sending me to another galaxy
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
💻🤡
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.