Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.