7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I like long walks away from everyone
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.