*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
You Might Also Like
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
the short answer to this question
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.