Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
This is my pinned tweet
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..