He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The “baby” on the left….
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Who.
Did.
This?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.