If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.