Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Don’t touch that.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When you’ve simply given up.