[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*