[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.