Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things