My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Respect
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”