[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past