Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
when someone compliments me
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
S O O N