I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Interior design 👌
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.