Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree