Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You Might Also Like
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?