One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.