me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
💁🏻♂️
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Cake!!
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.