Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now