normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Breaking news:
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips