[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”