I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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The devil.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning