Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
🚲+physics = winner
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?