Sticker placement is key.
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.