Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”