I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I like long walks away from everyone
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.