When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
i love modern commerce
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*