[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
dutch so unserious
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.