Before crowbars crows drank alone
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
pizza
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa