Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
A great tip. #CakeRex
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob