(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Perfect.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.